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Lilburn’s Yellow River Game Ranch reopened this weekend after flood waters receded. Luckily, Gen. Beauregard Lee, “the world’s most famous groundhog,” survived the flooding. However, there’s no word yet on the facility’s “assorted goats,” its lone crow or its cage of raccoons.


Yellow River Game Ranch will be increasing the cost of peacock feathers to $1.25 to help cover the cost of flood damage.

peacock feather

Any leftover funds will be used to identify the facility’s assorted goat species and to insert an “O” into the following sign.


On the bright side, at least all of the animals finally have water.

poor rabbit

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As flood waters rushed into the Porterdale and Covington area Monday night, they brought the rare bearshoctopus — a species scientists once believed to be extinct — with them. Mass hysteria immediately erupted in the area as residents fled to the partially flooded Porterdale Mill Lofts. The story wasn’t broken until today (Much of the Covington area lacks infrastructure, including phone lines.) when news photographer Dan Heisel took this epic photo of the beast.

Authorities advise Porterdale and Covington residents to seek refuge at the the nearby Georgia International Horse Park in Conyers where hundreds of refugees have already set up camp. When school lets out at 3 p.m. today, Gwinnett County’s child army will be dispatched to deal with the bearshoctopus. The army has already slain a local shark and the Buckhead megalodon.

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Governor Sonny Perdue has advised Atlanta residents to eat less fiber and more cheese as hundreds of millions of gallons of untreated sewage were poured into the Chattahoochee River today. Officials say it could take weeks to repair the flooded R.M. Clayton Sewage Plant located in northwest Atlanta. The situation was exacerbated as nearby sewage pump stations have failed due to excessive flooding .

Believe it or not, most of this is actual news. Read more about the sewage situation here.

(Thanks to Frank Lazaro for the inside scoop.)

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It was too pricey anyway.

(Mad thanks to honorary reporter Teresa Rolfe Kravtin for the story idea.)

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divining rod

Much of the Atlanta area is under a boil water advisory after a loss of power at the Northside Pump Station. Seeing as the state of Georgia has been experiencing a drought, we’d like to suggest the following water sources:

- parts of I-75

- your backyard

- Buckhead (But practice caution when approaching large bodies of water as a megalodon was spotted in the area yesterday.)

If you still have difficulty finding water, please let know. We have divining rods available at the discounted price of $18.95. (Delivery may take up to two weeks. However, if the storms predicted for this weekend prove true, delivery will be faster. Sorry, guys — we just have the one canoe.)

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When will it end?!


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To show the city’s resilient spirit, the city of Atlanta has officially designated Atlanta Memorial Park a “public recreational aquatic facility.” The park has aptly been renamed “Atlanta Memorial Pool.” A brief ribbon-cutting ceremony was held this morning.

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An correspondant has just reported the formation of a child army in Gwinnett County. The county’s schools are closed today due to the county’s severe shark problem. (Both Ken Cook and Ken Burns are on the scene capturing footage for next year’s Shark Week.) Gwinnett County residents are advised to stay in their homes, karaoke facilities or Korean barbecue restaurants until the situation is under control.

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Floods_Football stadium#1#

Doesn’t look like the Falcons — which we locals call “the Owls” — will be playing either.

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Right-wing conservatives have accused Atlanta’s homosexual population of causing the city’s flooding. Ryan Moss, a local gay, says, “I shouldn’t have gone to church on Sunday! It always storms when I go to church!” We’re sure Senator Saxby Chambliss — and the late Jerry Falwell — would agree.

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